Woman Claims “The X-Files” TV Show Actually Government Plot to Distract Her from Existing

Officials responded late Thursday night to a distress call regarding an assumed domestic dispute. Neighbors reported hearing a woman shout “EW,” “damn it, Mulder,” and “make out already” repeatedly over the last three days.  Forceful entry was required by police, and upon entering the home they found 22-year-old Eileen Riley huddled on her couch underneath a […]

Hardin-Simmons University Cuts Orchestra Program to Fund Underground Goose Temple

  In an abrupt and possibly accidental announcement made public Monday evening, Hardin-Simmons University has decided to eliminate the orchestra program from the School of Music in order to reallocate its hefty budget of $137.12 to the much-publicized Transformation 2020 plan. According to the official mission statement of Transformation 2020, the university is seeking campus-wide […]

Area Woman Definitely Not Cranky, NOW SHUT UP

Friends and neighbors have expressed concern for 21-year-old Linda Smart as she chugs her second unsweetened coffee before 9am. “Look, I’m fine, if you’d just get out of my way so I could get to the library, OK? I have two books due and they close early today for renovations, and, can you just go?” […]

Resident Jerk Not Invited to the Pizza Party

Everyone has just been sort of talking about it, and they don’t think they’re going to let him to the pizza party after all, residents agreed late Wednesday night. The announcement comes only days before Saturday night’s big pizza party plans.  “He’s just been a real jerk lately, you know,” one resident says. “We don’t […]